Navigating the 'empty nest'

Brad Sjostrom, director of behavioral health at AdventHealth Porter, reflects on becoming an empty nester and offers heartfelt advice for parents preparing to send their kids off to college this year.

Ester Perel, the esteemed couple’s therapist, says, “Most of us will have two or three marriages in this life. And if we’re lucky, they’re with the same person.” When I think of my 30-year relationship with my wife, Karrie, who is a Psychologist, I see our three different marriages: pre-kids, kids and “empty nest,” a phrase I have grown weary of hearing over the past two years.

Living in Chicago and prior to having twin daughters, my wife and I were nascent in our careers, working hard, trying to save money and figuring out long-term plans. We knew we wanted children and wanted to have “things in place”. Graduate school completed, first home purchased, and relative security obtained. As we learned the hard way, couples can plan when not to have children but cannot always plan when. The more difficult it was to conceive, the more desirous of children we grew. We were fortunate with technological advances to have two beautiful twin daughters, rascals from the get-go.

My wife and my second marriage were of parents. After surviving the infant era, we moved to Colorado. We decided Karrie would work part-time to be available for the vicissitudes of child rearing. From playgroup to play dates, Karrie navigated toddlerhood. I did my best to carpool, with every drop-off strangely choking me up, Daddy Days and a multitude of family activities. I did my best to be a “girl dad:” from coaching soccer and flag football to teaching swimming, skiing, cycling and driving. Now when I ski with my daughters and ask them why they insist on bombing down the mountain, they tell me, “Dad, we had to learn how to ski fast, so we wouldn’t lose you.” The thought of two little eight-year-olds frantically trying to keep up with their father still haunts me and makes me proud. My wife reminded me, “I always told you that you skied too fast and to wait for us!”

That brings us to marriage number three: Our daughters left for college two years ago. To those who ask how it is going, I minimize the emotional impact but having both girls gone in one fell swoop has been difficult. We went from weekends full of sporting events and a chaotic and unkempt home, to wide open weekends and a serene and clean home. At times, I have longed for a third, younger child.

With no third child in the future, my wife and I have worked to adjust: We still plan much of our lives around our daughters, attending family weekends at their respective universities and finding time to travel as a family that works for all of our combined schedules (most recently a mid-week trip to the mountains since one of the girls gets Tuesdays and Wednesdays off.) My wife and I have more time with one another; we have attended more concerts in two years than we have in our entire married life. We have time to focus on couple’s activities, such as travel, but truth be told, our conversations tend to gravitate towards discussing our kids—how they are adjusting, what their plans are and the garden variety of parental worries.

ChatGPT gives plenty of advice, including what parents can do when their children no longer live at home. Here is my advice:

• Expect the transition to be bittersweet.
• There will be a sense of nostalgia for when the kids were young and “innocent.” (My wife’s phone screensaver is a loop of photos of our daughters over the years).
• Your marriage will change.
• There will be the opportunity to resume some of the activities you previously enjoyed, some of which should be relatively inexpensive, particularly if you are contributing to your children's tuition.
• There is a tension between support and fostering autonomy.

In some ways, we have returned to our first marriage when it was just the two of us. There is a letting go, “a letting the baby birds fly,” but we remain involved and engaged. My biggest hope is that my daughters find their passions and meaning, hopefully in a way that they can support themselves. And if they don’t, they can always live in our house, not the nest of their little girls’ rooms but the bottom of the tree in the basement.

If you or a loved one is in need of mental health support, please visit: Behavioral Medicine | AdventHealth Porter