Discussing war with children – Be honest, be open

As news media talking heads and world leaders debate the likelihood of future wars, those discussions reveal a less visible battle – the ongoing struggle for mental health, particularly in children, when dealing with the prospect of war.

Michael Westerveld, Ph.D., clinical neuropsychologist at AdventHealth for Children, suggests approaching the conversation with honesty and age-appropriate care.

“There’s never a good time for a war or conflict, but this comes at a time of COVID fatigue and decreased emotional resilience,” Westerveld said. “Adults can communicate with friends and professionals to deal with stress, but children struggle a bit more.”

Westerveld said the added presence of social media complicates the discussion.

“A lot of children and adults are concerned that if war can happen there, maybe it can happen here,” he said. “Social media images make it seem very close and very scary for younger kids. Just let them know that the conflict in Ukraine is scary, but it’s also very far away. We have protection and we have people in our military to keep us safe and secure.”

He suggested limiting media and social media access to news stories that may cause anxiety in children, but cautioned that the topic should not be completely avoided.

“It’s always important to talk to children about world events,” Westerveld said. “Make sure you start by asking what they have already heard. You can find out if they have been given misinformation, and it will also give you a better idea of how they feel about it.”

Adults should be clear about their own feelings in this situation. Westerveld advised open conversations and honest discussions with parents and loved ones to help the children feel safe and informed:

• Be honest and open. Children are bright and they don’t want you to talk down to them about important topics.
• Be factual. War is a difficult topic for discussion. Decide how you wish to approach it with your family members, but don’t force the issue.
• Emphasize safety and security throughout the discussion.

Dr. Tina Gurnani, pediatric and adolescent psychiatrist with AdventHealth for Children, suggested sharing learning opportunities with children.

“Watch the news stories and updates with your children to ensure you are there to help answer questions and provide comfort,” Gurnani said. “It’s also OK to let your children know that you may not have all the answers, but you are there to keep them safe and secure.”

Trying to find positives among the negatives of war may also be helpful, she said, such as illuminating the positive actions and attributes of world leaders, families living in the war zones, and people fighting on the ground. Wars are filled with moments of heroism and surprising valor, and those stories can resonate with people of all ages.

“Children sometimes feel like they are helpless, so it’s important to empower them,” Westerveld said. “Give them things to do – make a card for a soldier or something more concrete or tangible. Say prayers together for families in Ukraine, and help them feel a little more in control themselves.”